Sassy’s Story

By Tonya Stanfield

“…a stretcher will come from Grace to gather us up.” - Rumi

Rise Bracelet Practice: 

When you’re feeling frozen, low, or depressed the key is to activate your nervous system rather than calm it! Reverse pursed lip breathing does this by emphasizing your inhale.

Touch 2 beads: Take two sharp, short inhales through pursed lips.

Touch 1 bead: Forcefully exhale with a sigh.

Repeat 3 times.

Sassy’s Story

No journey towards healing is linear.

There is no such thing as up and up and out. Each one of us will cycle back through our broken areas at different points in our life. If we’re fortunate, we’ll have the resources around us to discover new dimensions of healing. If we don’t, we may fall into the deep, dark crater called ‘shut down.’ This is the state of our nervous system that is the hardest to climb out of.

• When you’re a teenage runaway who survived childhood abuse and assault and then turned to drugs and alcohol to cope… 
• When you’re sold into sex work and held captive by violence and drug addiction… 
• When your mental health (understandably) deteriorates…

You don’t just have highs and lows; you have mountain peaks and hellish abysses.

This is the story of ‘Sassy’. That’s what I call her because she’s a beautiful, broad smiling, quick-witted presence in our office. When she’s there you know it. When she’s not there, a certain flavor of energy is lacking. But, Sassy’s story isn’t only one of trauma, it’s also one of incredible resilience, rising again and again and (miraculously) again. 

“Our suffering is the spiritual sandpaper that helps us come awake.” – Don Ross

We knew Sassy was in deep trouble when she arrived at work having taken too many of her anti-depressants. She was so tired of ‘feeling.’ Our Care Circle sessions were filled with her fears, with her tears. “I just don’t want to go on.”  Our team connected with her social worker, psychiatrist, and counselor each time she tried to end her life. We were a presence with her in hospital. We tried desperately but could not find her an available spot in any public mental care facilities. (We do not have the funds for private care.) When the abyss she’d fallen into deepened, she turned back to drugs and alcohol. Then, she got kicked out of her apartment and had nowhere else to live. All of her bridges had been burned. 

Sassy was in full nervous system Shut Down. I

• In Shut Down your body is lethargic, and your thoughts are dark. Everything about you says, “I just can’t.” It is the deepest, most difficult state for your body to emerge from.
• Prolonged Freeze is the 2nd hardest state. When you get stuck in Freeze, your mind is racing but your body is frozen and excessively tired. In this state, you say: “I have to, but I can’t.” 

Fight or Flight are the most common states of nervous system dysregulation and the easiest from which to emerge. However, to rise from Freeze and Shut down, you must first activate rather than calm your system. To energize your body: Take a stroll. Do some mindful coloring. Spend time with a friend who is a non-judgmental listener; they offer co-regulation. Do breathing exercises which emphasize the inhale verses the exhale, like the one offered with this bracelet. Why? Exhaling calms the nervous system while inhaling activates it. If you’re in Freeze, after you energize your body, then you can mindfully release your racing thoughts through more meditative practices.

Since our office has many recovering addicts, Sassy could not continue to come in. She lived in a homeless shelter until she got evicted from it as well. Our worst fears were realized as she ended up living outside. 

Sassy said it only took two days on the streets for her to wake up. “I knew too much and had come too far to do this to myself again.” She called her social worker who managed to place her in a shelter far away from old contacts. She began attending AA meetings with other ladies she lived with. She found herself coaching them. “I knew these things. They were still in here,” she declared, pointing to her heart.

Each week a staff member of Not I But We drove out to see Sassy and gave her supplies. She crafted our Mindful Bracelets to earn pocket money. She got sober. She found new housing. She knew: “All I want is to wake up every day and have someplace to go, a job. I want a regular life. And, I realized I already have that here [at Not I But We]. What more could I want!?”

“Truly, it is in the darkness that one finds the light…” Meister Eckhart

The hugs were big, squishy, and heartfelt when Sassy returned to the office, bringing her sass and broad smile along with her. She told us that she’s proud of herself. Through the years of working at NIBW and receiving assistance from our extended network, she’d created a ladder she knew she could climb. While we extended our hand, she didn’t have to hold it. She had a support network she contacted by herself, a skill she’d cultivated, a job waiting for her, and rhythms of health and wellness she tapped into. Most of all, she sensed she is deeply loved. She knew an office full of people were waiting for her, hoping to welcome her back (yet again). We’ll be here to cheer her on as she rebuilds her life. We’ll be here in the hard times to come because healing is never linear.

“We cannot do the work of transforming the world unless we are in interdependent relationships – the work is too vast and complex for any one of us. Let’s reach toward each other.” - Akaya Windwood

Most significantly, she discovered no abyss is too deep to rise from. That’s why this bracelet is dedicated to her. Most likely, Sassy made your bracelet. We hope her story will inspire you to rise again and again as well.

“Darkness deserves gratitude. It is the alleluia point at which we learn to understand that all growth does not take place in sunlight.” - Joan Chittister

Further Rescorces:

How to identify shutdown. [Article is good for both neurotypical and neurodivergent folks.]

*Story shared with permission